


it's a long way to the shop (if you want a sausage roll)

by laughingalonewithducks



Category: Bleach
Genre: Multi, Not Canon Compliant, convenience store not-au, eat a dick kubo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-11
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-26 05:07:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,086
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17739581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughingalonewithducks/pseuds/laughingalonewithducks
Summary: "I thought mortal souls weren't allowed to leave," says Grimmjow. "Or they... forgot their pasts, or whatever. How did you come back?""I'm an abomination in the eyes of God and the laws of the universe," says Ichigo. "That'll be fifteen thousand yen, please."





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> some notes: ishida is not in this because i hate him. chad is not in this because secretly he was a cardboard cutout of john cena all along, complete with cardboard personality. post-epilogue canon is fluid and consists of a handful of things i accept and a whole fucking shitload of things i don't because they're dumb and i hate them.  
> also, i haven't read bleach in years and i only got halfway through the soul king arc before i stopped caring so there's gonna be mistakes.  
> the person responsible for this knows exactly who they are so please direct all complaints to petya, enabler-in-chief.

Ichigo didn't really ask for the job. He wasn't even  _thinking_ about gainful employment, at the time, but he'd learned through trial and error that asking Urahara too many questions generally ended in tears of frustration and the distinct urge to commit homicide.

So when Urahara had leaned in really close and said, "Hey, kid, can you look after the shop while I'm away on business? You can take whatever you want from the profits," well, he'd just accepted without thinking about it too hard. 

It wasn't until a month later, while he was balancing the checkbooks, that he realised he'd been duped: Urahara wasn't coming back, and he'd dumped his shitty, failing, semi-illegal business on Ichigo.

"I can't believe it took you a month to realise this," said Jinta, as Ichigo swore at the ledger. "A whole  _month_."

"Piss off, Jinta." Ichigo scowled at him. "Go sweep the front or something."

Jinta huffed, and flounced out of the back room. "You're not my  _real_ dad," he said, slamming the door behind him.

 _"That's not what your mum says!"_ Ichigo shouted after him. His only answer was the reverberating (and faintly worrying)  _slam_ of the front door.

Ichigo sighed, and flipped back through the ledger. 

Apparently, he owned a shop now.

* * *

 The first order of business - ha ha, business. It was funny because Ichigo was a businessman now. At the tender age of 18.

Anyway, the first item on the list was to fix up the shop. Not aesthetically - although it would certainly benefit from a few coats of paint, and maybe some roof repairs, and also generally just a better location that isn't in a building that practically screams 'WE SELL DRUGS' - but more in a... legal manner of speaking. 

In that Ichigo needed to make contacts of his own, or figure out where Urahara was getting his supplies from, and then continue to buy from them - and this was important -  _in a completely above-board manner,_ because Ichigo had had it up to fucking here with the dipshits that ran Soul Society and wasn't keen on getting thrown in jail or threatened with execution for the hundredth fucking time.

Secondly, he needed to start selling more than candy and shinigami products, because shinigami didn't pay in human currency, which Ichigo still required to live, and the profits he made from candy were... minimal at best, and flat-out negative at worst. Maybe he could start off with necessities - like bread and milk, or those tiny travel pack toiletries only really desperate and disorganised people buy, and then work his way up to the bigger things.

Because he wasn't likely to leave, at this rate. He had no big aspirations, no dreams - he wasn't that interested in following in his father's footsteps (in  _any_ respect), wasn't interested in medicine like Orihime - but a little shop that he could fix up, where he'd be able to keep an eye on the goings-on while avoiding direct contact with Those Bastards up in Soul Society sounded a little bit like home, really.

Also,  _someone_ needed to keep Karin in the lifestyle she was accustomed to; i.e. heavily armed and dangerous.


	2. Chapter 2

The first thing Rukia said when she walked into the Urahara Shop and noticed the new line of MoonLinen Hair Product™ travel packs and the fridge full of milk was: "Oh, good. I was worried you were turning this into a memorial."

"What?" said Ichigo.

"I mean, I wasn't going to  _say_ anything," Rukia said defensively, "but we were getting kind of worried about you."

"What?" Ichigo said, feeling a bit like a broken record and a lot like he was missing something.

Rukia hesitated. "Well, you know," she said. "We were all upset after he, uh, died. So I understand why you took over the shop, I do. But... he wouldn't have wanted you to preserve it like some sort of shrine."

"What?" said Ichigo. "Wait, Urahara's  _dead?"_

Rukia stared at him.

Ichigo stared back, completely nonplussed.

"He disappeared during the incident with Yhwach," Rukia said. "Did... no-one tell you?"

"No, I know about  _that,"_ Ichigo said. "But then he turned up like two weeks later and told me to take care of the shop. Did something happen?"

Rukia said several incredibly offensive things about Urahara's parentage and sexual proclivities and kicked one of the stacks of shopping baskets Ichigo had thoughtfully scattered around the store. 

"Hey, I just bought those," Ichigo said.

Rukia ignored him. "That  _absolute piece of shit_ _!"_ she shouted. "I'm going to  _kill_ him! I'm going to find him, and I'm going to  _fucking murder him!"_

"Guess he didn't tell anyone else, then," Ichigo said, standing well out of range in case Rukia decided she needed to throw something.

Rukia whipped around and glared at him. "Where is he?" she demanded. 

Ichigo held his hands up in the universal gesture of peace and hoped she didn't throw anything breakable. "I don't know, out?" he said. "I think he's franchising. He just kind of dumped this on me and vanished."

 "Fucking  _typical."_ Rukia said, and kicked another basket for good measure. 

Ichigo wordlessly cracked open a can of Shingles™ and offered it to her.

"Technically, that's stealing," Rukia said, but stuck her entire arm in the can anyway.

Ichigo shrugged. "It's  _my_ shop."

Rukia  _hmph_ ed and picked up a basket. Ichigo winced pre-emptively, but instead of throwing it at his head, or through a window, or at Jinta's head where he was cowering behind the battery shelf and trying valiantly to pretend he wasn't eavesdropping, she started to fill it with anti-Hollow repellent and spare soul candy. 

"Planning on sticking around?" Ichigo asked, retreating behind the relative safety of the checkout counter. 

Rukia crunched angrily through the last of her fistful of Shingles™. "Yeah," she said. "Aizen got out."

"Wha- it's been a  _month!"_ Ichigo said, and pinched the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stave off the massive, Aizen-shaped headache he could feel coming on. "Who is in charge up there? Are they  _completely_ incompetent? All they had to do was  _keep him in jail! Forever!"_

"You're telling  _me,"_ Rukia said darkly. "Anyway, look- if you see that asshole around, or that  _other_ asshole, let someone know, okay? Try not to go it alone."

"But what if I  _really_ want to stab Aizen, though," Ichigo said. "I really want to stab him, Rukia. Multiple times, even."

Rukia snorted. "Get to the back of the queue," she said. "You had your turn."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHA MOONLINEN GEDDIT GEDDIT  
> i am............so funny
> 
> anyway aizen isn't in this for real don't worry


End file.
